“WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. YOUR UNIQUENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR COLLECTIVE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE”- Every customer service drone of a person you’ve ever interacted with

Yeah, yeah, I know this is a mouthful of a title sequence. Guess what? It’s MY blog. If I want to slip in a Star Trek quote, no one can stop me! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

First off, if you’re not a fellow Trekkie and have no idea what a Borg is, lemme ‘splain. It’s a space zombie cyborg person who will attack you and turn you into another space zombie cyborg person. Conceptually, they make for awesome sci-fi villains. At parties? Boring as heck.

What does this have to do with copywriting, customer service, or anything business related, whatsoever?

A lot.

You see, for the most part, if you’ve met one Borg, you’ve met them all. They’re pretty much all the same. They speak in unison, have a hive mind mentality, and just don’t have much in the way of pizazz or conversational sparkle.

Much like typical customer service representatives.

See? See where I’m going with this?

Your customer service, front desk, help desk, whatever you want to call it, is a representation of your company. Your first line, for many would-be clients. The face of your business. This underappreciated lot has far more power than you realize. I should know, I used to be one of them.

I worked front desk at an OB/GYN for years. Patients who wanted appointments had to get through me and my colleagues first. I was the one who would tell you if we took your insurance. I was the one who would recommend particular doctors based on your needs. I was the one who would try to get your urgent medical question answered asap because I knew it was time sensitive and your literal health was at stake.

Those doctors trusted their front desk workers to have their best interests in mind. We needed to be professional, patient, understanding, and deal with some rather unpleasant folks, at times. You think “Karens” are bad? Try pregnant Karens. Yikes.

 It’s not an easy job. Dealing with people never is. I’ve had patients so abusive that I ended up in the bathroom in tears. I’ve also had patients so wonderful that when we’d run into each other at the grocery store we’d stop and chat for 10 minutes, gushing over how lovely it was to see each other. You see the best and worst of humanity when you work a job with the public. Yet, you’re expected to take it all in stride. To maintain your dignity, calm, and poise, all for just a tad over minimum wage.

There are coping mechanisms for this kind of situation. Namely? Phoning it in. You ever get a rep on the phone and they have that monotone, dead inside fake customer service voice? That’s because you’re the fortieth person they’ve talked to that day and the previous thirty nine were all cranky, impatient, and asked the same exact question. Can you really blame them if they don’t sound thrilled as all get out with their job?

And yet, as mentioned earlier, they are the face of your business. It’s kind of a big deal.

Whatever to do?

Here are my thoughts, as someone who has spent years dealing with the chaotic struggle that is customer service:

1. The left hand had better figure out what the right hand is doing

You know how I said a patient made me cry? Here’s what happened. I was new. There was a stack of patients to call to schedule procedures for. I was told to call the stack. Pretty simple, right? Well, I got the patient’s husband on the phone, asked to talk to her and he royally freaked out at me! He said we’d already called the four times, that they weren’t interested in scheduling, and that I was a worthless, garbage piece of a human being.

Cue bathroom sobbing.

Guess how this turd-face could have been avoided? If the people who had called this person already had simply made a note that they weren’t interested in scheduling. Bam. Done. Mental breakdown avoided.

Not only would I have not had that psyche scarring encounter, it would have also made us look more professional. How many times have you dealt with one rep, called back, and the next rep had no idea what you were talking about? It’s SOOOO common and it is, admittedly, frustrating to deal with on both sides.

Solution? Notes. If you have accounts for your customers in any way, shape, or form, have a way to keep notes on them and make dang sure your reps are keeping them updated. It will keep your customers happy, keep your workers from being abused, and make you look as organized and with it as you SHOULD be.

2. The customer isn’t always right

Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard the old saying. Want to know a glaring, in-your-face scenario when the customer is dead wrong? When they abuse your customer service reps. It’s never ok. You’d be surprised how intense things can get for your front line, sometimes. I have a sister who works front desk at a veterinarian office. It gets crazy there! We’re talking huge men slamming their hands down on her desk, threatening her, reducing her coworkers to tears and calling them curse words that are beyond demeaning.

Guess what?

She doesn’t take any of it. She hands it all back to them and then some. She’s feisty, eloquent, ferocious, and has scared many a grown man with her sharp tongue and fearlessness. And somehow, she does it all professionally! She’s honestly my hero. But you know why she’s able to do this? Because her bosses allow her to defend herself and her coworkers. Because they value her as an employee. She’s always reliable. She covers shifts when people call in sick. She’s been a loyal worker for years and she really knows her stuff. They realize that such an amazing person is more valuable to them then an abusive, awful customer who sometimes borders on physically dangerous.

Protect your workers. Defend them. I promise, they are worth so much more than a few measly bucks from terrible people. And if you don’t? Your employees won’t last long. Life is too short to be sworn at and threatened and paid poorly on top of everything. You will be dealing with high turn-over, unmotivated workers, and you could even have some escalations into lawsuits if you’re not careful.

Take care of your workers.

3. Mental-health breaks!

One of my favorite things at my old job was when we were caught up with all of our work, the phones were barely ringing, and it was near the end of the day. Sometimes, my boss would make her way to our desks. She’d place in front of us a napkin of M&Ms, a marker, and a copied page from Highlights magazine. The one where you’d try to find the hidden items in a drawing. She’d give us a grin and go her way while we eagerly ate our candies and tried to find the hidden banana in the mailman’s hat, or the smiley face in the picket fence he was walking by. Silly? Yes. Life changing? YES! It showed she cared about us. It gave us a moment to relax, to have fun, and to just breathe after a long day. It was absolutely healing and it gave us a second wind.

Nowadays, people are finally realizing that work isn’t everything. Yeah, money still makes the world go round. It’s awful, but that’s not going to change anytime soon. Still, mental health, work-life balance, those things are finally getting the attention they deserve. Show your workers that you value this. Because if you don’t, they will find a company who does. How can you do this? Maybe pay for lunches on occasion. Maybe let them listen to music when they’re not on the phone. Maybe send them funny memes or give them an extra break from time to time. There are dozens of ways to show them that you know they’re human. That they aren’t, in fact, just space zombie cyborgs who are nothing more than worker drones, milling about endlessly day after day, saying and doing the same things over and over and over again until their brains fall out of their ears.

Give them a napkin of M&Ms and a picture search. Or whatever equivalent you think they’ll like. Because, trust me, that little reminder that they are a person who matters, that they are more than a mindless employee, can make a world of difference.

4. Hire the right people

This sounds like a no-brainer, but it really needs to be said. Not everyone is cut out for customer service. It’s a thankless, soul-sucking job and it can burn people out fast. Hire people-people. You know what I mean. Someone with charisma. Someone with empathy, understanding, patience. Because they are going to need all those things, trust me. Don’t just hire your nephew’s roommate’s neighbor’s sister in law. Actually strive to find people you connect with, who have those “soft skills” that make up interpersonal communication. Find people who are cheerful, patient, and well-meaning. Why? Because that is going to reflect on your company. You want people who want to help people.

How many times have you looked into doing business with a company and their flaky front desk never got back to you? How many times have you been frustrated because your questions weren’t answered or the person on the other line just didn’t seem to care about your problems? For many of us, this means you find someone else to do business with. I’ve done it several times. I choose to spend my money on businesses that respect my time and needs. Why would your customers be any different?

Understanding the value of your reps means you take more care selecting the right people. And when you DO find these gems? These human wonders who can deal with the public and not lose their souls and minds? Pay them what they’re worth! Treat them with respect! Show them kindness and humanity and take care of them for the assets to your business that they are.

Because if you don’t? You’ll end up with braindead drones who are only marginally helpful, who don’t make positive impressions on your client base, and who likely won’t last long before you have to start the hiring process all over again.

Remember, space zombie cyborg people are awesome in Star Trek. In customer service? Not so much.